Loneliness & Seasonal Weariness
adjective & adverb
having no one else present; on one's own
"Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ, and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in."
- C.S Lewis
I was looking for quotes to begin this blog post and I had only read the first phrase of this one and decided to use it. I came to the conclusion that I would continue writing on the topic and explain how when you look for yourself and find nothing, you have to learn to stop and start looking for Jesus...
I copy and pasted the quote and finished reading it to find out that that's exactly what Mr Lewis was explaining. Woah- Jesus has the best sense of humor. I kind of in a way, am writing this post and "preaching to the choir" at the same time. Normally, I write my blog posts on past experiences. But now, loneliness is a current state I'm in. I feel like I am going backwards in my health, I haven't made it through a "tear-less" day in a while. I've found myself becoming anxious like I haven't in a year. I get to where I can't catch my breath and my heart starts pounding. I'll be honest, I am very familiar, and even used to this feeling, but I never can anticipate when it will consume me.
The holidays are supposed to be the most cheerful time of the year, but often, this season gets me down without reason. I think a lot different things play into this; whether it be the happy high we get on in the midst of all the sweets and presents, or it be the singleness we start to notice more than ever before during this part of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas time, I love Thanksgiving too, but I'm just being transparent.. :) Stop reading my blog now if you don't like getting real- i.e. the name of my blog. :) I think I'm not only speaking for myself when I say that if you're single, the holidays can be hard for you. I know not only teenagers read this, but I know for me, personally, as a high school student, all the couple pumpkin painting pictures get old, as do the Christmas tree pictures and new years kisses. Social media can stink man! By the way, if you haven't ever done a social media fast, I highly recommend it- I might even do a blog on my experience with that as well.
Anyways... When I started homeschooling I could honestly care less about my social life, I was solely focused on getting better with my health. I knew getting into it that I could totally keep up with my friends without seeing them everyday at school. To be honest, I kind of thought in the back of my mind that the break might be good for me. I just thought that getting away from the socially oriented high school scene was worth it in the long run, if it meant focusing on my health.
And it was. However...
Once I got back to feeling at least 75%, part of me started missing the hallway hugs and B commons convos, those of you at RB will understand this vocab. ;)
After a few months went by, I won't sugar coat this; people started forgetting about their relationship with me.
"Out of sight out of mind."
I knew that home-schooled students might struggle with this, but I had no idea that my friends would fall off the face of the earth. I've gotten kicked out of group chats, unfollowed on social media, and ignored in public. And I can say that when these things have occurred, and do occur, it feels like a punch in the stomach. If you know me, you know I am sincerely and genuinely a relational person. I love people. I love friendships, talking and laughing. Those parts of me haven't left with my presence at school. All of my life, leading up until this season, I have had an enormous friend group. I have never had a weekend without a get together with at least one person and right now, I can't remember the last time someone texted me first. I have struggled with being "too nice", otherwise known as a doormat to be honest... And I can never seem to learn to not let my "friends" walk all over me. If you've never experienced this feeling, let me paint you a picture. This past month, I have maybe gotten 2 texts from peers that weren't texting because they needed something from me. The first month of homeschooling, this was tough, it seemed as if a majority of my "friends", going back almost 10 years, wanted nothing to do with me. This tore me down. It has brought me back to a place of feeling really weary and even as if I am at back at square one in my emotional health. When I was first starting this journey, I had no idea why I felt the way I felt. If you aren't familiar with my story, I was diagnosed with CLINICAL major depression and anxiety. Meaning not situational, there is no other reason except the chemical makeup of my brain. Now, I know why I feel the way I do and I won't lie when I have strongly considered going back to public school because of this very reason. I have and continue to battle with my mind with how much I am willing to risk because of my lacking of relationships right now.
When I took on this journey of home-school, I had no idea the culture shock it would bring to my life socially. Don't get me wrong, I believe had I not left public school, my health would have never improved as near as much as it has.
With all of this being said, I am in the midst of learning how to deal with loneliness.
I am often reminded of the emptiness of earthly relationships and how they fill no eternal gaps.
I am constantly reminded that even if I have a 4.8 GPA, my happiness doesn't change, and my weariness remains.
Lastly, I am reminded that joy remains eternally when happiness is no where to be found, because joy is what comes with a relationship with Jesus Christ. And happiness is nothing but a temporary feeling.
I am learning that not even the security of the many friendships I had can bring me joy. When the thought of not being able to attend Junior Prom or have a 16th birthday party comes to my mind, I have to give myself the reminder that Jesus has me right where He wants me. Maybe you are there right now, struggling in a switch of friend groups. Maybe you are in the opposite position in which you have a ton of friends but you feel empty inside. I can tell you that yes, the struggles of this earth are extremely real, but they are just that, of this earth, TEMPORARY. I can also tell you that nothing will give you joy like experiencing the eternal love of Jesus Christ and having a relationship with Him.
Even so, I am struggling to see and seek Christ right now; it's becoming easier to be blinded with the things of this world and harder to let the truth of Jesus shine through to be seen.
With this being said, in the Bible, we are guaranteed struggles and trials.
But also in the Bible we are assured deliverance and victory over these trials and tribulations when we seek Christ.
I urge you to seek Christ in all you do, and if you haven't yet found and surrendered to Him, to try it out. I promise you it will be the best decision you ever make.
3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.
5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
In Christ alone,